2023 is finished. The revenue is in the books. Our inventory counts should be reconciled. Uncle Sam will require us to report formally in a few weeks, but we all know where we stand … generally speaking. The PCA trade show reemerged in March? What happened to sweating in the Vegas July heat? We appreciate the reprieve from canicular days, but are we ready to adjust our archetypical wanderings of a retail calendar year? We have no time to lose here. I am completely stressed out!
I am, however, invigorated by the oversupply of Top Ten lists shared over year-end. Having a “Top 10 Cigar” is simply not enough. Our industry demands more. We need the “Top 10 Nicaraguan Cigars,” the “Top Ten Cigars Rolled on a Thursday,” the “Top 10 Factories Open on a Day Ending in Y” … and so forth. So much data and so little time to be a retailer. Well, rest assured that the People’s Tobacconist, as defined by my three-year reign writing this column, is here to support your 2024. I guarantee your success!*
My Excel 98 spreadsheet, running on my Compaq TK-421, has tallied every data point for all retailers across the United States, four Eastern European countries, and three provinces in India to assemble … wait for it … the “Top 5 Keys to Retail Success for 2024!” To note, your retail success depends on complete adherence to all five secrets on this list. Prepare to dominate or get left behind! It is up to you.
1. You can’t clean everything, so stop sweating the broom and dustpan. Ash happens. It happens every time a cigar is smoked. You can predict it like the sun rising in the west. We kill ourselves to clean and it simply keeps coming. Stop worrying about it. Save the labor and materials that go into a clean shop and let the savings stack up on your monthly P&L. Likewise, the toilet is porcelain and can only stain so much, the windows get a nice patina from the smoke, and the furniture is showing better wear than most consumers’ clothing … so ignore them all.
2. Up your discounts for high-turn products. This seems counterintuitive, but you need to trust me. Turning inventory is key. Speed wins the day. If you have a hot product, mark it down and watch the revenues soar. This is especially true for limited edition products. Turn it, burn it, and move on to the next hot Ms. Thing.
Additionally, begin donating slow moving products to those consumers who love shopping online and smoking in your lounge. They are already exploiting you, so use this proven technique to endear yourself. In fact, increase the price of these offerings to make your gift look more generous. They wouldn’t give you MSRP regardless, so what a great way to build some real loyalty!
3. Turn up the music, really loud. Every retailer knows what I am talking about here. We must listen to the endless stories that no one cares about from customers that only a mother could love. Drown them out. You are saving yourself and all your remaining customers from that lame sporting event outcome, the new gun they bought, stupid book reviews, the lame TV show they have been binge watching for four days straight, and so forth. You have been nerd-jacked by the patron who lives with his parents, and the only answer is immediate competition for the tone in your lounge! Crank up the tunes and find your happy place as the sales, and your lounge morale, soar! Best playlist options are Death Metal Massacre, Blow that Christmas Carol with Kenny G and Funeral Dirges by the Tibetan Monks.
4. Change your hours! We are locked into routine. We must disrupt. The blue ocean is there for the sailing. We need to get the right people on the bus with a seat in the front. Pick your business improvement metaphor and change those hours. However, to make this strategy work, you cannot inform your customer. We encourage conformity by posting hours on our doors, Google maps and our Facebook pages. Stop it! Customers need to work a bit, and by doing so will find an all-new level investment in their time spent in your establishment. Recent market data has shown a 13.33 (repeating of course) percent increase in sales from consumers who drove around to find locations to shop in the Pacific Northwest alone. We disrupt the hours and reap the rewards.
5. Stop paying taxes. This is a high-level strategy used by the most successful companies like META, Apple and Microsoft in foreign countries, but it can work for your business as well. How much money do you watch walk out the door each month in payroll, OTP and sales taxes? This is real capital that could be invested in crypto holdings or time shares in Mexico. The government can’t even keep track of these obligations post-COVID, and you always have a religious argument if they go Wesley Snipes you. Grow that balance sheet and save your bookkeeper the pain of reporting.
As this economy continues to soar under stable financial markets, youthful government leadership and massive increases in disposable income, your success is assured in 2024 by following these savvy insights. The time to act is now! Fortune 500 … here we come.
*All claims subject to verification by the folks who administered the McDonald’s Monopoly game.
– Contributed by Josh Evarts, a tobacconist at Vault Cigar Lounge, Meridian, Idaho
This story first appeared in PCA The Magazine, Volume 1, 2024. To receive a copy of this magazine you must be a current member of PCA. Join or renew today at premiumcigars.org/membership.